NEIL HAMBURGER

(Interview originally conducted in June 2006 @ High Tone Memphis, TN)

Ladies and gentleman... Nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeiiiiiiill Hamburgerrrrrr. On a recent trip through Memphis I found out Neil was in town for a show. After his performance, which included spitting up on, throwing drinks at, and verbally abusing some clueless hecklers, we sat down to discuss his past, future, and the women of the Flying J truck stop.

Alright, so, I am here with "America's Funnyman" Mr. Neil Hamburger.. So.. Neil... What is your opinion on the afterlife.. if one does exist.. and if so, what would it be like?

Well, it's gotta be better than this. I feel I've already gone to hell, ya know, with my career and with some of the failed projects I've been involved with, some of these albums that have not sold enough to even pay for the cost of hiring a taxi to take them to the dump, ya know? This is hell and uh... I look forward to any sort of chance to relax and rest and hopefully ya got some of the topless girls in hell that I don't seem to encounter here on earth, ya know what I'm saying?

That's great. So you have an optimistic outlook there on the afterlife.

Oh, it's a very optimistic act that I have in general.

Right. So what did you do before you became "America's Funnyman"?

Well, I was miserable, which has continued actually through this career as "America's Funnyman", which is a copyrighted phrase. But uh... I did some work in the fast food industry. Some low paying work and..

Taco Bell?

No, no Taco Bell but some of the other chains.. I don't want to mention them here because they don't mention me. They don't hire me to do ads for them at this point so why should I advertise them in your magazine? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, good point. Fuck it. Fuck corporate chains.

Exactly.

So, speaking of food, you're on the road a lot. What are some of your favorite places to eat, different places to go?

Well, I like to eat in the front seat of my car because I usually don't have the time to go to actual restaurants you know because you got.. when you're driving 700-800 miles a day you can really throw your schedule off...yeah you go to one of these restaurants, sit down for a couple hours... so know what I'm saying? So sometimes I'll go move into the back seat of the car and eat but generally if I'm driving... you know you wanna stay in the front seat while you're driving.

Ok. So, another traveling question: Flying J or TA?

I think I like the Flying J. I bought a television set there for nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents. COBY brand. C-O-B-Y. And uh.. little black and white with a five inch screen and you plug it in to the cigarette lighter and you can find out what's going on in the world there and uh.. TA you know you have the whole "tits 'n ass" thing which is uh.. appealing, but then you go there and there is no "tits 'n ass", you know? It's just a lot of stale Payday bars... you know? So the Flying J works for me.

Oh, I agree. I prefer it too. So, if you would sum up in two words the following cities:

New York City

Well, you know they say if you can make it there you can make it anywhere, you know the song I'm talkin' about? But I have found that that is not true. The New York City crowds are very... easy, you know? They come out in huge numbers and they laugh and uh..it's always a good paying show and a good time. If you can make it in uh.. you know.. Sioux Falls, South Dakota you can make it anywhere. And I actually did a show in Sioux Falls last month and I'm happy to report that the response was much better than I ever could have anticipated.

So if you had to sum up New York City in two words maybe you would say "very easy"?

I would say I can't afford uh... I can't afford it because of the.. you know.. it's very expensive. The parking? Have you parked your car there?

Lucky, I don't drive.

I parked.. you know I travel in a car. I can't take the Greyhound Bus anymore you know it's too painful on the back but uh.. I had a car parked in New York City and the parking was two thirds of what I got for the show and then when you give the other third to the management and the booking agency there's not much left, you know what I mean? It's a tough way to live. Warn your readers.

I know. Ok, and one other city I'm curious to know what you think of:

Boise, Idaho

You know that is a town I have been through but I have not yet done a show there.

That's wise.

Really?

If you wanna listen to what I have to say, I would say Boise is a good driving day. You don't need to stop there.

Well, I was offered a show there once and it fell through but you know that's where the Albertson's grocery chain has their headquarters so you probably.. I'm sure somewhere in the town is an outlet for dented cans so... which is something that I'm always interested in, that is getting a fruit cocktail at a discount price because that is what I use mostly as food at this point.

Ok. Have you ever received any strange gifts from fans or followers?

Oh, all the time. You know people bring me all kinds of things. Some of the women, you know, with their uh.. some of the ideas they have are sort of strange. Some of the gentleman will give me CD's of the music they've made with their.. with their miserable bands and that sort of thing but I got a twelve dollar tip in Chapel Hill, North Carolina the other night. A young woman bought some merchandise and tipped me TWELVE DOLLARS. And because all the money for the shows goes straight to the legal bills and the ex-wife and that sort of thing, these tips are mine to keep. So this young woman paid for at least twelve meals for me because I do tend to eat a lot of, you know, 99 cent fruit cocktail.

Um... so what is the best way to win a woman's heart?

Well, it's probably to avoid getting on stage and telling the jokes that I tell. Avoid releasing albums like "Great Moments at Di Presa's Pizza House". Avoid touring the clubs I tour in because quite frankly I have not been around women very much in the last few years. It's been a very lonely lonely life and.. occasionally when they ask to pose for a photo with me, it's a great treat. But for the most part the women I know are the women at the Flying J truck stop. The sort of obese kind of women that work behind the counter there, and I am on a first name basis with quite a few of them as I do tour through the same regions again and again.

You ever take advantage of the.. you ever get to score the free shower at the truck stops? Like you just.. they kinda feel sorry for you... they'll just give you the free shower. Has that ever happened?

Well, what I have done is in the past is I go over to where the trucks are and I walk out from behind one of the trucks and into the building and then they assume I was in the truck and that's how you get the free shower. So...

That's a good idea. So you've toured with a lot of bands in the past. Are there any bands currently that you haven't been on the road with that you would like to come with you?

I would like to tour with Frank Sinatra Jr.. He has been my idol for many years. I would like to tour with Kenny Rodgers. Now that he has had the plastic surgery I think that his act has doubled in quality. And other than that uh... probably not... you know I was very excited recently I did a show in Los Angeles with Petra Haden and uh.. she made a really great album recently and to be on that bill was a real feather in my cap I have to say.

In your opinion who truly plays "music of the night"? IF there is an artist that plays "music of the night"...

Music of the night? That would have to be the Doobie Brothers because you know those guys are filthy, dirty, and really disgusting human beings and you know it is the night that disguises that I think. In the night they might appear to be just shadows but in fact they're filthy, dirty, bearded, stinking, venereal disease-ridden men with permanent erections and it is only in the cover of the night that they can get away with what they do, which is to play their music... their great hits...

Ok... where do you see yourself next February?

Next February? I'll be touring Texas in February, that's on the schedule. So probably Denton, Texas and Houston, Austin and perhaps we'll do a show in Mobile, Alabama. So come on out... if this comes out in February hopefully the readers will come out to those shows and save me from financial ruin and embarrassment.

This will definitely come out before February. Um.. Ok, how about in the next 23 years?

Well, I'll probably back here at this club doing the show again because let's face it: I'm not gonna get out of debt anytime soon and the bills have to be paid and I would love to retire but that's not gonna happen either so it's gonna be doing these shows on a continuous loop until death strikes me down and at that point, good, I can get some sleep.

And then you'll be in hell with the topless women.

Exactly. Exactly. If I'm lucky.

Ok. Last question. If you could finish this joke for me: Why did Neil Hamburger cross the road?

Well, because he had another show to do.

There you have it. Alright. Thanks a lot.

Thank you. I hope you can use some of these. I do realize some of the answers were substandard.

No. It's perfect.

REH DOGG

(Interview originally conduced via email in January 2007)

I first came across Reh Dogg via Youtube and his groundbreaking "Why must I cry" music video. (Click here to watch!) Soon I discovered he had made many more videos as well, and I investigated them all. To me, Reh Dogg is one of those artist who is ahead of their time without even realizing it.

1. First off, myself and I believe possibly others reading, are wondering: Are you "for real"?

I get that question a lot. I have always been unique and different from everyone else. I do things the way i want to do them and people find it to be weird. Everything i do is for a specific reason. I think things through and I know where I'm headed and where I want to go. I am always in control. If I ever feel myself losing control of a situation i become very aggressive and i regain dontrol at once. With me it's either you love me or hate me. No inbetween.

i'll tell my video haters the same thing I told my music haters when I first came on the scene in 1999. I do this for myself. It's a stress reliever. Music is my daily journal. and if the whole world hated my music it wouldn't stop me from creating. The same goes for my videos. I tell my haters everyday i read the racist comments i get. Don't watch them. I'm not sure why racist people are drawn to my videos. Excuse my language but F#@k them all! So to answer your question i am real its my story to tell and if i want to do it in a humorous way who are you to stop me?

2. A song like "Totally Depressed" off the 'Blacken Chinese Man' album is really unique.. I don't think I’ve ever heard someone deliver rhymes while crying hysterically. Would you consider yourself avant-garde?

No not at all. It's just the way I am. I'm just different. i wouldn't change a thing about my style.


3. What is the most desperate thing you would do for an Asian woman?

LMAO I can't answer that question? I plead the fitfh
LOL

4. Who do you see as your competitors?

The whole world against me that's how i see it.

5. Explain the relevancy of the shots of you in the shower in the "Why must I cry" video?

Lot's of people ask me that and like I told jaxsn in his interview. he song was done when i was going through a very difficult time. i wanted the video to show me at my worse to capture the content of the lyrics. Based on question 5 I'll say this............

6. Do you like R Kelly?

i am just wondering what you are trying to say? i'm surprizrf you didnt ask me if I like MJ? r kelly is extremly talented. I love his music.


7. You released a religious album once, but since then your material has become a lot more aggressive and maybe even downright hateful [ie: "I Hate Your Friends"]. Was that just a phase?

Not a phase i was a born again christian but due to conflict in the church i was forced out and backslid. I'm not proud about it but it happend. and i hate your friends seems hateful but until you lived and walked in my shoes you have no idea what i went through.


8. True or False: "mo' money, mo' problems" ?

false for me money isnt the thing that inspires me to do what i do. I have specific reasons for everything i'm doing that i don't want to mention.

9. You're from CT. right? Do you plan on staying there or do you want to try and take your act to the big city?

I've lived in NYC for 2 years. i love to visit but i'm not going to live there again. i'm really not trying to go big but if it happens then i'll do what i gotta do. My fans are growing rapidly. much faster than the haters who are mostly racist.

10. Who films and directs your videos? How long does the process take from beginning to end?

It depends on the song. Take Why must I cry. theres no way i'm letting anyone film me naked in the shower. I used a tripod for 99 percent of my videos. shooting and editing,transferring etc takes roughly 5 days.

11. One thing I admire is the almost statuesque appearance you have in your videos while delivering your lyrics [as opposed to the typical over-emphasis on throwing your hands in the air like you just don't care]. Is this what separates Reh Dogg from the rest of the pack?

yes i don't even listen to mainstream rap. nor do i watch mtv or bet. I just don't like the way they do things. You might say i hate mainstream.

12. Please describe a typical day in the life of Reh Dogg.

It really depends on how I feel. But i'm usually llaidback. I like to start the day off by hitting the gym LOL i know my body doesnt show it. But i like to go in the hot tub relax and think about life. Then I'll jump in the steamroom. then i'll play some raquetball then shoot the basketball around. i really don't have any friends by choice cause most people suck. Then i hit my studio and work on music and videos. And i end the day by reading so so many emails from fans,haters, and other artists wanting to work with me. The onething i get from my fans is that I personally respond back to them. it takes me hours but i do it.

13. What do you have to say to the haters?

It depends if it's the racist haters F@%$ them
haters who think i suck and should stop what i'm doing. i tell them when you start paying my bills and buying my equipment then i'll quit.

14. What's next for you?

I'm headed to the virgin islands to shoot some more videos, i will try to do them different from my other ones.

LONGMONT POTION CASTLE

(Interview originally conducted Summer 2005, additional questions provided by Ms. Evelyn)

Longmont Potion Castle is truly one of the greatest unknown comedic geniuses of our time. His specialty is the art of prank calling. I guarantee you haven't heard prank calls like his. Everyone I've ever played his CDs for becomes obsessed, and quoting of his absurd stream-of-conscious banter to his numerous telephone victims is inevitable. I was pleasantly surprised that this mysterious man agreed to an interview with me. Read on to learn more about him, and for those of you fans already, hopefully these answer most of the questions you've always wanted to ask. Special thanks to Mr. LPC for the detailed responses.

01. How far back do these calls date? When and why did you begin recording them?

LPC: About 1987. Initially, John Trubee was an inspiration – I sort of took what he was doing and made my own version of it. I liked the surreal nature of it.

02. What inspired you to record your calls?

LPC: I just started doing it and people flipped when they heard it – they really encouraged me to keep doing it. Since my parents’ answering machine had 2-way record (although it beeped), I kept doing it. I decided early on to make full-length albums of these phone calls.

03. Are there any other prank callers that you particularly admire?

LPC: I like “Arnie Vs. Binnie” (the one where that hillbilly calls the other guy 10,000 times), the “Cambodian Refugee calls,” the Fightsters, and John Bean. They’re the ones that make me laugh the most.

04. How do you keep from laughing when saying absurd things to people?
Did you practice this? How long did it take you to develop control?

LPC: I don’t know. I know I laugh when I listen back to it, so that’s a good question. When I started doing this, I was a bored teenager and anti-social. I literally sat there and talked to random people on the phone all day. I was comfortable doing it, as crazy as that sounds.

05. Has anyone ever tracked you down after you've called them or have you
ever had the police show at your house?

LPC: When I started LPC, I was also starting high school (Columbine, by the way). I was new to the area and didn’t know anybody there. During lunch it was rough, I had no car and usually had no money. To pass the time, I started making collect calls to the principal’s office from the pay phone in the hall. I would usually tell the operator my name was Dick Smack. The principal would always be completely bewildered – “Dick Smack?...Who in the world is this…?” and I would laugh. Finally, he hung up the phone and looked out into the hall, and busted me. He interrogated me for over an hour, saying “Who sent you? Who do you work for?” My first week of high school and here I was, already suspended for 1 week. Oddly, my parents thought this was funny. Odder still is that no one else has tracked me down since.

06. How did you avoid having your calls traced?

LPC: Back then you couldn’t really be traced. You could get a tap put on your phone, but it took a lot of effort. Then Caller ID came out, but I had a job by then (as an operator!) so I knew how to avoid it. Now, there are all kinds of things people can do, so you just kind of have to move on so it doesn’t get to that point.

07. Where did you make the phone calls from? Did you change location often?
Did you make them from public places?

LPC: I was always at home.

08. Were you inebriated during any of these phone calls?

LPC: Not in the old days. I just sort of weirdly treated it like a job. Later on I usually smoked some herb. On the new CD (LPC 5), I was actually drunk on some of it. 1 or 2 things I don’t even remember doing. In my opinion, some things get easier as you get older, but prank calls don’t necessarily get any easier.

09. How did you balance keeping people on the line with pushing the envelope?

LPC: I guess I would just get on a roll. Usually the people were the ones who enlivened it. I mean, rural Coloradoans having to take a stand against helium, lambs and squids just gets intense sometimes.

10. How much of a recorded phone call is improvised?

LPC: Pretty much all of it. Things do always tend to revolve around the same themes, like meat shops and weird invented meat, probably because I’m a vegetarian. But it seems like it makes for a better album if you have it be as random as possible.

11. What sort of equipment did you use?

LPC: At my parents’ house they had an old-time answering machine with the mandatory “beep” every 10 seconds. Since then, I’ve tried a few phone recorders. I can pretty much say the Duofone TAD-114 (an old Radio Shack cassette answering machine) sounds the best. It doesn’t sound perfect, which in a way would ruin it, but it is very clear. The problem is finding one that still works.

12. Logistically, how did you manage to keep up the conversation while
simultaneously recording and manipulating the sound quality of your
recorded voice? Did this take practice?

LPC: I started using effects later on. Sometimes I would add a mic, effects and an amp into the mix so I would sound all processed on the other end. Usually it involved using pitch shifting while doing what I’ve always done. Some of that turned out really funny. Having a tight recording studio like I’ve got helps, too. But mainly it sounds the way it does because there’s 10 times the amount of calls that don’t get used. You just keep the material that seems to go anywhere.

13. Did you usually make these calls alone or were other people around?

LPC: I was usually by myself. But like on the Evergreen Motel stuff, where the guy just was ready to battle at length, those calls were all made when people were around encouraging me to do it. Sometimes they would also get on the phone. It was funny.

14. Did your friends ever ask you to prank particular people for them?
Would you?

LPC: A few times. The funniest of those was this guy’s girlfriend’s dad, who would get mad and start talking all slow for emphasis. But the rest of the time I was just calling random numbers.

15. Have you ever played these calls for your parents or family? What do
they think?

LPC: I’m pretty sure they like the one about “Gomez.” But I think they kind of block out as much of it as they can. Some of the best material was recorded as my mom walked by with groceries or something, saying, “Would you get off of the phone?” Those were the times when it was the hardest not to laugh.

16. Have you ever been in a fight? Have you ever had to put a tennis racket to anyone’s lip?

LPC: You want a piece of this, big and bad? No, really I haven’t…I think the few times I’ve gotten all loose or even rowdy in public I must have lucked out. I guess I just sort of disassociate myself from LPC so I don’t have to try to explain it too much.

17. Your website contains video clips that coincide with a few of your
recorded prank calls. Who videotaped these?

LPC: My friend’s idea was to make a fully produced LPC movie. It did get produced, but not really released. There was high-tech equipment, and there were craft services and per diems involved. There was even this digital phone box where I could add a headset, a mic, and my own customized effects to the phone calls. Then there was the street team, who simultaneously went into the stores I was calling and used a hidden camera. This footage may still be released someday, but the audio portion of the rest of this session has already been used on previous LPC albums.

18. Did you know any of the people you were calling? Did they know this during or after the time of the phone call?

LPC: Usually not. Once in a while it would be someone I knew. Like I think the guy at the Packaging Store suspected me when I would go in there. But shit, that was a long time ago…I’m sure some people guessed they were getting recorded.

19. Has anyone ever recognized your voice in public?

LPC: This one time in ’93, I was at Emo’s in Austin, TX. I was standing in line at the bar behind these 2 random guys who were saying quotes from LPC to each other, like “what is a parochial nimrod,” and “have you taken any medication today” and laughing. I was totally surprised. Then later on that night, I ran into those guys again and said, “Yeah, hi, I overheard you guys before and it was funny.” One of the guys replied, “Oh, that’s just from some weird tape we have.” Then I said, “Yeah, that’s my tape! For real! That’s awesome!” And they totally didn’t believe me. But I mean, back then, there were like 100 cassettes in existence, and there was no distribution. So it was a classic moment. But I haven’t really spoken up about it since then.

20. Each one of your releases has a metal interlude. Were you a metalhead growing up? What were some of your favorite bands? What are some of your favorite bands now?

LPC: Yes, definitely. More towards the speedmetal side like Slayer. Or innovative metal like Celtic Frost. Judas Priest. Overall, I have a crazy music collection, though…like if you took just the box sets I have, there’d be The Fall, Nirvana, Kiss, and Nurse With Wound. I have about 500 CDs, about 500 on vinyl, and about 300 tapes. I still like Bob Mould and J Mascis. I think I dislike more than I like. It’s old school around here, Holmes.

21. There were rumors for a while that you were one of the guys from the band Cephalic Carnage, perhaps because of the death metal musical interludes on your CDs and the fact that you apparently live/lived in Denver. What do you make of that?

LPC: I’m not, so not much. I have heard that they’re quite good though, so I’ll have to find out more about this band. But I make sure and put a speedmetal song on the albums for a few reasons. Because I can, because it’s another element that’s extreme. But also because I’m an unsigned musician, so I just sort of insist that I get some music released, via LPC, to a bigger audience. There used to be weirder atmospheric interludes on the albums. After it turned out that the label was into it, I just streamlined it into strictly thrash metal.

22. Describe your childhood. Were you the class clown?

LPC: Not really, although I did get kicked out of kindergarten. Something to do with a hose. But I couldn’t really communicate with people too well, in society or whatever. Not till my 20’s did I get any better at it.

23. Are you a fan of seafood? Would you ever eat a squid sandwich?

LPC: No. But Indian food, Mexican food…all other kinds of food, though.

24. What's your favorite drink to order from Orange Julius?

LPC: Before or after the ban?

25. Cumulatively, how many times have you called Orange Julius?

LPC: Actually fewer times than some of the others. I mean, when you’re guaranteed 10 expletives in 1 call, it doesn’t take too much time to get something good.

26. Has all of your recorded material been released?

LPC: Yes, just about everything has been released now that LPC 5 has come out. But, like this past week I was listening to old cassettes and found some unreleased stuff, and someone asked if he could have it be the recording on his cell phone. So it doesn’t really seem to stop…

27. Will there be more any volumes to come?

LPC: I doubt it. But I think there’s going to be a CD/DVD box set in 2006.

28. What were some of your favorite fake names to use? I particularly like
“Reginald Mapplethorpe” and “Dirk Funk.”

LPC: Thanks. Those are good, Fennel Cartwright, Rasmussen seemed to resonate with people (laughs).

29. Have you ever considered performing these prank calls live, before an audience?

LPC: No. I declined whenever I was asked, simply because I don’t believe it would work. And especially not now that I’ve heard other people’s attempts at doing it. I’m considering performing the thrash tunes live, though.

30. Have you ever considered collaborating?

LPC: Well, there is a split 7”. There have also been other collaborations that weren’t released. In fact, if you look at the first LPC cassette from 1988, it says it’s a “compilation.” That’s how it was introduced – like an assortment of people on the phone. But it’s really just me.

31. How do you spend your time nowadays?

LPC: Let’s see…with my girlfriend…I have a recording studio so I work with other bands, and I’m always striving to become better in terms of writing and recording music. Plus I continue to release music – whether it’s as LPC, in a band format, or on my own.

32. Are you aware of any Longmont Potion Castle imitators?

LPC: Not really. Just fans, mainly.

33. I found one online here: http://hellatlantic.monoperative.net/. Please listen to this and give us your opinion of his call. Critique it for us if you will. (Go down to "phone calls" then go to the one called "The Unit." There are a few other ones where he's calling Radio Shack too.)

LPC: It’s pretty good. If I had to critique it, I guess I would say it’s a little too repetitive. But it’s sort of weird, the guy even sounds like me a little bit! Actually, it’s sort of flattering.

http://www.longmontpotioncastle.com/

DENNY "AVERAGE HOMEBOY" BLAZE

(Interview originally conducted May 2006)

If you haven't seen the video below yet, watch it first, before reading this interview.



Back in the late 80's Denny Blaze had a dream to get his big record contract as the "average homeboy", just a rural middle-class guy rapping about life from his perspective, nothing more, nothing less. His dream still continues on today.

What year were these videos [ Average Homeboy , Blazin' Hazen ] made in? Who filmed and edited them? (On a personal note, I enjoy the quite literal visual accompaniment to the lyrics.)

What's up Average Homeboys? Denny Blaze here. Thanks for reading up on me!

First, I will say... I have been working on smoothing out my rapping. Average Homeboy was written in the late 80s when I was a teenager. I wrote produced, and edited the famous demo video, ha ha... including those silly graphics behind me. The little help that I did have... my dad and brother shot a couple of scenes... but for the most part, I even ran camera for myself.

Ah, cool. So your parents were supportive of your dream? Did they think you would actively pursue a career in music entertainment?

My parents have always encouraged me to believe that anything is possible. For sure, my parents believe in me.

What record labels and/or producers did you send these videos too? What was the response?

I sent that particular video to... MTV, Capitol Records, and Warner Bros. Records.
What makes me remember that version is... I recorded an introduction to the demo. Obviously, it was one of the first projects that I sent out. Of course, I got letters back passing on my music, and since then I have received plenty of other pass letters. I've saved every one of them. They've always been my motivation to get better. Glad to say, that I've kept working on music, and now I have over 70 songs produced. You can check out material www.dennyblaze.com

Can you revel some titles of these new jams? Maybe explain some of the topics you're tackling on them?

Top Secret on the new songs... I may as well write a few more songs for other artists, ha ha. Though, I am very sure that some of my many other old songs are out there. So, don't be surprised if a few more DEMOS pop up!

The new CD "Blazin". So hot, you can't relax.

Where does Denny Blaze draw his inspiration from? I get a sense it's more from life experience than other musical artists. I am wrong?

For starters, those pass letters from record companies make me want to succeed to prove myself. When somebody says I can't do something, well... I believe that anything is possible.

I've always liked to be a leader... never went along with the crowd or gave into peer pressure. Just wanted to express my point of view in music since I like to jam hot beats.

You speak of smoothin' out your rapping, but part of your appeal is the wildly off-beat delivery of your rhymes. Thoughts?

Looking back so many years... yes, my rapping was really rough. Just to tell you... Average Homeboy was recorded straight into a cassette player from a mic and a keyboard. I didn't have multi tracks or digital editing back then. It was a one-shot take.

Anyway, I can laugh at the old performance, and be thankful that I'm much more SMOOTH now ha ha
Maybe I should mess up the beat on purpose????? Na, I'm working to be the BEST!

Fair enough, I'm sure it will still be hot.

Thanks for the confidence... I'll deliver some blazin jams!


What has the response been from the hip-hop community?

I respect where others come from, and hopefully they can respect... where I come from. Rap falls under the Urban department at major record labels. Yes, my stuff is rap, but it's not urban for sure. So, that has been my biggest hurdle in pitching things to record companies.

Now, through the internet, it's the people who can decide if something is entertaining or not, and that's how my music got so big... just average homeboys sending it to their friends.

People either love it or hate it, (Average Homeboy) Either way... I'm getting a huge amount of response.

Just fighing for his equal rights

I respect that you are being true in your raps of your own upbringing as an average homeboy. Do you think that an artist like Vanilla Ice is really from the hard streets, or do you think he's really just an average homeboy like ourselves?

I can't speak for anybody else because I don't know where they've been. Though, it's not fair for Vanilla Ice to be picked on because of his skin color. If a white guy wants to rap... why can't he rap without a fuss?
People say that there should be equal rights... well, it should ring true for all.

It says on your website you've performed in numerous radio and television shows? Which ones?

I've been in local television all of my life. So, all of the shows that I have been on... were broadcast in Northeast Ohio. I was 8 years old for the first talent show that I won... where I did a Johnny Carson monologue. I've been on local talk shows, hosted a few shows and appeared in tv commercials. Back near the Average Homeboy demo days... I made a rap jingle for the Pepsi Cola Company in Canton, Ohio and performed in an HBO commercial for Time Warner Cable Northeast Ohio. Anyway, I've done a ton of local stuff. I'm still looking to do stuff
worldwide and finally my stuff is getting there.

One of my favorite stories so far is... I got a letter from a fan in Australia who told me... everybody in his school was talking about the Average Homeboy. Also, somebody played the track over the school PA system.

Do you have any interest in writing jingles? What kind of products would you like to represent if so?

Yes, I'd like to do more commercial work... I'd prefer a company to approach me! It's nice to be wanted.

But what kinds of companies would you want to approach you? What kind of items/products would you want to represent? Fruit Loops?

Yes, I like Froot Loops. By the way, they spell the Fruit part with two OOs, (Froot Loops.)
Still... I don't want to point out anybody in particular.
I'm open to listen to any offers as long as it's a fun Ad, and the company believes in me!

Do you perform live?

Yes, it's a blast, and I'm hoping to do a tour.

You are very in-shape. What is your workout routine?

I work out almost everyday... probably 6 days a week. Most people despise working out...I get upset if I have to miss the gym! Working out makes me feel good. Just like everything else I do... I give 110 percent. I lift weights and do cardio... kick boxing is my favorite.

If you could collaborate with any one person, who would it be?

I've got the hottest idea for a collab with Snoop... if I ever get the chance. Though, I honestly prefer to go SOLO!

How are the ladies treatin' The Blaze these days?

Me and my Average Homeboys,
well, we like it when...
the ladies make some noise

Lastly...
Thank you to all of my Average Homeboys & Girls!
You guys have been making me smile daily,
and I hope I can return the favor.

Keep it hot!
D.Blaze

DR. RANDALL PHILLIP

(Interview originally conducted Fall 2004)

Dr. Randall Phillip is the creator of FUCK Magazine. You probably won't see it in stores, so do some research if you wanna find out more. I can say it's one of the most disturbing and bizarre publications I've ever encountered. Intrigued, I wanted to know more about the mind behind such a thing. Randall is also known amongst some in Philadelphia as "the guy that stole that head from the Mutter Museum". This interview was conducted via e mail. All typos were left intact.

01. Are you serious?

I am 1 million percent seriuos

02. What is the greatest obstacle facing you in your life right now?

I dont know that Id really call it an obsticle but I don’t seem to be all that popular with the ladies I could use some wider distribution

03. Describe your ideal day.

I wake up and someone asks me to describe my ideal day then I answer question and I go to the post office Nothing could be more perfect.


04. What do you remember about the year 1998?

I’m not too good with remembering years I don’t think it was so good

05. Your publication FUCK is one of the most extreme displays of hatred towards everyone and everything I've ever seen, but the newest issue is a bit tamer in comparison...it's more abstract and not so in-your-face. Have your views changed at all over time?

I should hope so I like to try things When a bee enters the bark an alligator may snap him up

06. Give me your thoughts on the following:

a. Television evangelists:

I enjoy watching them but their fakery is their downfall

b. Extraterrestrial lifeforms:

There is life on other planets We are just not advanced enough to perceive it

c. Garden gnomes:

They are too domesticated for me I prefer their cousins the trolls

d. Satan:

It is just a symbol that some people believe is real Depending on who draws Stan he can be cool looking

e. Mario Lanza:

I enjoyed singing duets with him against his will

06. You are a mysterious figure. Are the rumors true?

I dont want to start any mysterious humor but I think Ive got a sixth sense for rumors

Whered 7 go

08. So, did you really appear on the Jerry Springer Show? Did you really steal human body parts from a certain medical
museum?

No and yes and yo and nes

09. How do you make a living?

None of anybodys gaddamned business Kevin

10. You have mentioned in the past that two headed-parasitic twins leave you unimpressed.. and I quote 'I've seen weirder stuff than these two twats' . . . Could you please elaborate? Please give examples of some stuff weirder than these two twats that you have seen.

I have documented quite number of examples in my various publications Take for instance the deformed fetus on page 23 of Fuck vol 1 number 6 or the mutant child mercilessly exploited by me on page 99 of Fuck vol 1 number 10 I take a rest on my case

11. What's the next issue of FUCK going to be like? The last issue was a bit different from the others prior, as I stated before...

It too will be different from the odor of Richard Pryor Itll be EVEN smellier

12. Did you go to art school?

I went to fart cool

13. What do you think this world is coming to?

Issues of FUCK magazine


14. Do you think I should cut my hair?

You know I was thinking about that the other day when I was watching you sleep I thought to myself “He should really cut his hair”

15. Tell the people about your new CD "Shiggy Diggy Dee".

Shiggy Diggy Dee is a bitch of different stuff I fucking recorded at different times Most of the tender love songs were recorded in my room with overpriced crap from Radio Shack Some other tracks on Shiggy Diggy Dee were more professionally fucked at Deaf American with the aids of anal sex from Rich Hoak I am very humble when I say that it is a work of genius


16. One thing I truely admire about this recording is that I can't detect any specific "musical influences". It's a very individual piece of work.

Thank you Thank you very much Thanks youre nice Thank

17. "Then a fish swallowed him and a bigger fish swallowed that one" is probably the best song title I've seen in many years.

And so it is

18. What was the inspiration to create the music which comprises "Shiggy Diggy Dee". Any plans for a follow
up?

I like to play and have fun Im always game for doing with other people there can be a follow up before I die

19. I can't tell by listening to this record what kind of music you listen to. Name some recording artists you enjoy.

I listen to the king of earth Branford Marsalis Cunt Gordon Lightfoot says the frigging sometimes I think its a sin when I feel like Im winning when Im losing again

20. You also put out a 'zine called Rabies focusing on horror/monster movies. What are some of your favorite movies of that genre?

ZAAT (aka The Blood Waters of Dr Z) Scorpion Thunderbolt Winterbeast Night Train to Terror War of the Robots Its Alive

21. Are there any other 'zines or writers out there that you are a fan of?

I like comic books House of Secrets and tales of Voodoo

22. Who's the boss?

There aint no boss nowhere

23. Plans for the future?

A new fantastic issue of FUCK is at the printers for everyone to look at I will buy a video camera and make a movie

24. What kind of movie are you planning to make?

I will make FUCK magazine talk and come to life

25. How will you feel when I move out?

I will feel sad
we can still send each other stupi emails

RATBOY

(Interview originally conducted Nov. 2005)

You meet a lot of interesting people on the road. One night last fall I met a fella they call "Ratboy" in Fresno, CA. One of the most peculiar people I've ever talked to. It's too bad you can't hear the intensity of his voice here, as he tells his life story. We spoke for almost 2 hours, this is only the first 40 minutes or so of our conversation.

Where you a mischievous child?

I was indeed. I grew up in the 1970's, I’m 35 now. And so... my parents divorced in '77. We were living in Southern CA and my mother, my brother, and I moved up Oakers, CA a small mountain town 45 minutes outside of Yosemite National Park, a couple hours to Fresno here where we currently sit and uh... yea... as far as mischievous and prank phone calls and things of that nature that... that’s when things really started getting interesting.. I... I was uh... of course immediately aware I was not going to have any mainstream socialization abilities or experiences at all. But there are things I can do to keep things at a livable, sane level of interest. So the phone.. Yeah... the phone I immediately ran up on the phone as my tool at that time. The phone and of course my mom’s record collection.

What did she listen to?

Well, she would... she... uh... break out... she let us look at it and you know if I wanted to listen to a Supremes record that was cool, but she kinda... it would seem to me kind of uh... was discouraging, but I probably took an interest probably in her Stones records, her first Doors album or something, you know? In that context, you know, up in the mountains.. That stuff for her was pretty interesting. And my aunt would listen to some stuff that I would uh... enjoy. A guy my age, whether he admits it or not, is always gonna have a soft spot for Bon Scott AC/DC. For instance... uh... I openly admit, proudly, and will talk for hours, about Cheap Trick so.. I’d listen to their music.. So... there was stuff from my aunt too but um yea... just uh... music, horror movies and uh... fuckin’ with people on the phone and uh...

What was your best prank?

Well, I had all kinds of stuff. There was also stuff that we can get to later where beyond the phone I would go and do organized, physical... um... harassment of the neighbors. A “ding dong” ditch things that would catch fire and become even more. We would throw rocks at cars... stuff that was even dangerous and jackass, but the phone was my favorite of course because this... people have to understand... all of your readers who are not 25 years of age or older, that the phone used to be a usually well-mounted item which had a dial... a circular dial... um... yeah... Our house....this is something that’s gonna blow away any 15 year old ...our house was on a block that had uh... a block party line. In other words um... not party like “we’re having a good time” but party as in a large group of people. We had to share it. You could pick up the fuckin’ phone.. What I’m saying is... and there could be your neighbor talking to somebody on the fuckin’ phone, ya know? You had to share it ... there was a whole other level of decor that you had to have just to participate in the technology back then. The party line..it was called... the party line. And of course I was... as you know.. Which I’ll get into, what I did do... I was tempted when I’d pick it up and hear these people talkin’, to do stuff. I knew whoever it was, if it was somebody at the end of my street there was no hope in hell I was gettin’ away with it. So you’d call somebody up on the phone and they would receive the call on a phone that was of no higher technology than yours and if they didn’t know who you were and you didn’t push it to the point where you were somehow uh.. Hey James, what’s up? This is my friend James from up the hill. This guy is a witness to some of the stuff that I was just about to describe. This guy has actually seen me do these things!
James: Old school stories, huh?
Steve: Old school stories.

[brief interruption]

So yeah, the technology was so primitive back then, it was a big deal if you had an answering machine. If you could figure out how to use it to record conversations .... that was a big deal rolled into a useful tool... for entertainment and uh... I figured out the phone was gonna bring me sanity-giving entertainment.. I would... I guess I started out with just testing the boundaries of the whole concept. I’ll call up somebody random, preferably an old lady, ‘cause you know you get an old lady and as everybody knows, she will talk to you as long as you have anything resembling a reason for her to continue speaking with you.
Right before James walked in... that’s a friend of mine from Oakers... I’ve known that guy since.. Well... the first time I saw that guy he was literally wearing a diaper.. And I was friends with his older brother Jason, and Jason and I used to do this: we had a thing.... and this is great... this is gonna sound a little surreal so stick with me...this is the thing we did... I don’t think you’ll be surprised at all to find out that the only consistent society job I’ve had since I started working is a telemarketer. I hate dealing with people who are not hip and don’t get it in person. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable. I’m not a person given in to anger and darkness.. I’m sure fellas like you, I’m sure find it at the very least when trying to relate to these more “common people” in society... these “peasants”.. I’m sure that sounded pretty snooty.. I didn’t mean to say “worse than” but have certainly signed on to “the team” to “the big picture”..the “mainstream society outlook”.. That is at the very least awkward and uncomfortable... like I’m imagining scenes in my head where I’m killing these people... I mean I hate it. So a phone conversation with some distance and me in control of technology was definitely good... Anyway... back to the things I would do with Jason Clark... he and I would do these things for the school where’s we approach the neighbors door to door and collect money... sometimes you’d get a chocolate bar and you’d help the school or sometimes you’d do it to get a school jacket. Well, it occurs to me one day while we’re doin’ this... we’d do the circuit around our neighborhood and this is in pretty high elevation near Yosemite ... In the winter they’d get 3 feet of snow and the school buses couldn’t come.. The summer, ya know, it would be so ridiculously beautiful you could shoot Budweiser commercials there... and they have. I don’t think I can emphasize enough or set the scene here that we were in the mountains... Ok?... Bears and mountain cats...you know.. Deer were fuckin’ common... So we’re walkin’ around and it occurs to me that these people are giving us money and we’re holdin’ a clipboard with the official club or whatever we’re doin’ but I realize they ain’t lookin’ at it and it ain’t about them lookin’ at it, it’s about them gettin’ us the fuck off their doorstep as soon as possible. They were not interested in any kind of verification procedure and we were getting the money. That sat in front of my face a few times.. I must admit I wasn’t as sharp back then. Before the fuckin’ lightbulb actually went off..[laughs].. Haha.. You guys may of guessed a little bit where this is goin’...well I decided ya know, we could combine all the entertainment pleasure of the prank phone call thing with the occupational, monetary rewards of... ah... a true scam here.. This represents that opportunity. So yeah, we jumped right into it. We started goin’ around. I came up with the idea that we were uh... we were gonna um... [laughs] we’re gonna do..ah some kind of ah... really well-researched.. Like if they were gonna ask me questions about it to uh... we were having some kind of raffle for the school or something.. Really elaborate, too convoluted, complex... and Jason of course said no no you’re over complicating this.. And of course old ladies were the best.. This one gal in particular.. She was out in the middle of the forest.. So anyway we’re takin’ about pretty Deliverance-style accommodations up here in Oakers as far as access at the time..so anyway this one old lady... I think we must’ve broken into her house when we were in the 7th or 8th grade a few times. You know? And when I say breaking in, by no means do I mean something an inner city kid would consider like breaking in.. These people didn’t lock their homes... you could walk in and hang out in their fuckin’ house.. You know thinking back on it... the sky was the limit. You know this old lady... she wasn’t there... and she prolly wasn’t gonna be there for a long while. You could’ve gone in that house and vandalized it unmerciful. Done any manner of horrible fuckin’ things. Gone outside and watched the reaction. Have plenty of time to set up perfect vantage post... It’s amazing, we could’ve dranken the alcohol in her alcohol cabinet you know... set the bed sheets on fire..urinated in her closet... My thing was like I wanna find private stuff that would expand the characters.. Demonstrate the weaknesses of uh... give feet of clay to, or show the harsh light of reality, the human weaknesses of THIS person.. You know? When I discovered punk rock that’s when this all happened...

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you a bit about your musical background....

Yeah yeah... take it! You better guide the conversation man, because like an old lady myself I will start a ramblin’...

Yeah yeah yeah.... I did wanna ask you about bands you grew up on.. Phases you went through...

Um... well.. The first, very first ones... I do a lot of shit to verify people...um... as I talk to them... I don’t do it with guys like you because you come pre-verified as the very fact of your existence.. The reason you are here is because you are pre-verified to say the least... and I test people to see... I don’t know how to say this without it coming out arrogantly.. I’m not gonna beat around the bush and eat up your tape finding out a way to sugar coat it.. I think... and as far as I know, and like I’ve said, I test people and have researched this to see if..um.., I’m the hippest guy I know... by my definition of hip, that I know... If you lived here there would be 2 of us... with you being a little hipper than me..because you have the fortune of being of what I call “the outside”, “the big world”.. You are actually from there and of that.. The very things I’ve worshiped. So I got... when I got hip... I got real hip and it got... and it was done very quickly. In the 80's in high school when you got into punk this was not um... about having a Blink 182 t-shirt, your fuckin’ cheerleader girlfriend, and high fives on the blue hair.. No no no no... you got your ass kicked. You got beaten up... instead of a high five.. You’ve got nooo guarantee of a girlfriend and certainly only a magnified level of harassment... because like I said I’m very tired, and at the best, awkward and uncomfortable. Each time I’m gonna make sure that it’s gonna go into the red and it’s gonna go into the red on their part as well.. We’re both gonna be fuckin’ uncomfortable.. But at least its gonna be entertaining for me because I’m smarter than them. And so yeah, I have taken psychical beatings .. I mean looking back on it.. The fact that I weigh a buck ‘o five and decided I was gonna let my big mouth run was gonna result in... a small mountain town in the 80s.. I’m lucky, things could’ve gotten... gone a lot further for sure. And when I got into punk rock one of huge fuckin’ things about it was... prepare to laugh... I was really into the Ian McKaye straight edge philosophy. But I already hated .. I could already see early on what that had become in that there were these bands advertizing 7"’s in Maximum Rock N Roll where the members visually looked exactly like the guys that I WISH I could find out ways to kill. Like my thing was.. Yeah they beat me up and you grow up and let that shit go and... or not. Now I’m ..I let it go and it doesn’t burn a hole in my gut.. But I was the super villain type.. I wanted to become these guys that I read about it my comic. I will someday Mr. Golassgo back and if I have any kind of success in anything and figure out a way to do something to... some elaborate revenge on a level of.. Have you ever seen that film “The Game”? Same director that did “Fight Club”... “Fight Club”... nobody likes that movie but me, but in 10 years from now everyone will admit it was the “Clockwork Orange” of our generation. Anyway... to go back real quick.. I put an asterisk next to my first memories of music...Anybody.. The reason I bring it up and I test people...anybody who is a “real deal” guy will remember and have these memories that I’m about to describe. The first fucking records... the first medium...you played them on.. My first records were given to me as a child between the years of 1974 and 1975. These years are also significant because in 1974 my mother Donna, God rest her soul, gave me my first comic book. My biggest aspiration in life and the reason I occasionally write for ‘zines... I’ve done stuff for Maximum Roll ‘n Roll, Terrorizer, PIT... all kinds of internet stuff... the reason I do that is not as a means to an end to itself, I am passionate about describing music and meeting bands and stuff and I would hope that’s the closest thing... My fantasy.. Being my real thing, and one time I was pursuing it, I almost got there... I hope to try again... is to write super hero comic books. I believe I could be the greatest writer of super hero comic books in the world right now. I mean I shit you not. I promise you on my son’s life if an assistant editor from Marvel were to call me up right now and say you got a one shot at Captain America , do it. I promise you.. I don’t know how to tell you in my deepest levels of human sincerity, I would whip it out and it would be publishable in no less than 3 fucking days. I would go right to town. The crazier of a character you got the better a job I could do. You know if you wanna give me Swamp Thing to play around with at DC.. We’re fuckin’ goin’ to town... So anyway, when I got into high school I found out about Oingo Boingo and I went to my first concert which was an Oingo Boingo concert. I tried to go to ones before but my mom wouldn’t... like INXS... before INXS broke big here with “The Kick” album, I was into them and their albums before that. Like I was runnin’ pretty fast for a sheep... I was running well ahead of the sheep in my flock. Like I had the speed of Wally West The Flash compared to those guys. I was inhuman, they couldn’t even see me. But by the time I found places where there were bigger flocks of sheep.. I was already... you know... runnin’ fairly fast, or I should say that I was still a sheep, just running fast. When I got into high school I joined drama class because I thought that might be something, and it was... there was you know the art fag guys in there. I look back on it now and call ‘em that but at the time these were the cool guys. It was cool that they wore all black and were pretentious and acted like these aloof characters in John Hughe’s films and shit. And uh... these guys... handed me my first fire. And I started making fires. I would go to make bonfires and these guys only made like a marshmallow cookout fire. They handed me my FIRST fire. A stick with some fire on it. They showed me some stuff. And uh... very quickly like I said, I was building bonfires way, way bigger than their campfires... in a VERY short period of time. And it got to the point where I was the biggest fuckin’ fire builder that I could see anywhere around me. So I started comin’ here to Fresno from the mountains ‘cause it was time to take it to the next level...

PEACEMAKER

(Interview originally conducted Fall 2004)

Peacemaker is the "higher-power electronics" creation of musician Richard Hoak. I got together with Rich to find out more, being a big fan of drone/noise music, myself.

I’m here with Richard Hoak aka Peacemaker... So you were originally called Jesus Wept... why the name change?

RH: Peacemaker has always been the purpose of our activities.

Explain the philosophy behind Peacemaker and your inspiration to start such a thing.

RH: Uh... Peace... Peacemaker is a transformational, harsh-noise, higher-power electronics experiment.

What made you wanna start this project, though?

RH: (Long uncomfortable silence)

What was your inspiration to start this is what I’m asking...

RH: The inspiration for Peacemaker is to spread the message of the end of the struggle against entropy. True peace.

When was the last time Peacemaker went to church?

RH: (long pause) 1984.

Do you worship at home then?

RH: (long silence)

Do you worship... Who do you worship?

RH: Um.... Wwww... (sighs). Peacemaker seeks to raise up a joyful noise for the purpose of reaching a peaceful state. A state of mind and a state of consciousness, AND state of consciousness. There ARE 18 types of voidness and we explore them all.

Who’s Dr. Nochols and how did you meet him?

RH: I met Dr. Nochols on Easter Sunday morning 1991 in Huntsville, Alabama. At that time we exchanged information and have been in contact since that time regarding the activity of making peace here in the world. Peace IS the victory.

So, Dr. Nochols, from what I understand, makes his own music himself and sends it you? Or sends you... drawings of things, you have a lot of correspondences with him through the mail and phone....

RH: The information that we receive from Dr. Nochols is used as a source of inspiration and as a source of knowledge and power in peace-making activities.

So, would you say Dr. Nochols is the inspiration to start Peacemaker?

RH: No, I would not say that.

Ok... will Peacemaker be performing live? If so, what’s it gonna be like?

RH: Peacemaker will be performing live on July 15. We’ve been invited by the prestigious University of Pennsylvania to perform a peace-making service for them. Peacemaker will also tour Japan in July and August of the year 2005. At which time we will bring our peace-making activities to the Japanese people… and we already received an awesome response from those people.

Why the cover of Sonny James “On the Wings of a Snow White Dove”?

RH: Uh..... (long pause) Um..... (long pause)

Where did you hear this song first of all?

RH: This song has been a radio hit in the United States since the mid-60's and I’ve always heard it on the radio. We chose to cover this song ‘cause we find it’s populist sentiments complimentary to the peace-making activities.

Ah... does Peacemaker believe in sex before marriage? Or are they against it?

RH: (thinking) We don’t find those matters related to our peace-making activity. I’m sorry, we don’t those matters RELEVANT to our peace-making activity.

What are Peacemaker’s views on the following:

Drugs.

RH: No opinion.

Suicide.

RH: No opinion.

Peace.

RH: We are primarily concerned with peace-making activities.

Hummus.

RH: No opinion.

You also play in Total Fucking Destruction. This band I don't think is concerned with peace, I would say it's quite the opposite ... destruction. Is Peacemaker a reaction against what you do in TFD?

RH: (silence)

Do you feel like you need it in your life to balance yourself?

RH: The entire body of art that I present to the world is wholelistic.

You've already released two Peacemaker records this year. What's next for Peacemaker?

RH: There will be.. Peacemaker will contribute 78 minutes of material to fill one CD of an 8 CD compilation of harsh noise, power electronic, underground music, compilation box set. Also, there will be a CD and DVD release of Peacemaker live in Japan. Those are the only releases on the schedule. There are new mediations under construction at this time and they will be released in public as soon as possible.

Are you gonna release these yourself? Do you think Peacemaker will ever seek the help of a label to spread your message or are you determined to do this yourself?

RH: Any person or organization can commit themselves to peace-making activities. Any like-minded individuals should feel free to get in touch.

Contact Peacemaker at: rich666@voicenet.com